Bright lights, like angels filled her eyes, flashing in and out of her vision, shapes whirling, twirling, moving, and fading. Then with a sudden sharpness a person dressed in white beckoning her to follow them. She looked up, ahead was a glow, a warm, welcoming glow, that looked safe, and homely. Leading up to it was a corridor of brightness.
The person ahead, turned, and she thought for a moment she knew them, there was something familiar about them, and yet she could not quite put her finger on just who and how.
Again the figure ahead beckoned her, and she started to put one foot in front of the other, moving up towards the light from the darkness that was below her.
Something in her mind knew she must get there, knew this was where she needed to go. Her head whirled, vision flashed in front of her eyes, but she kept moving up, and up, following the smiling figure, until suddenly she burst out as a fresh light filled her eyes.
Slowly she began to focus, and shapes became clearer, a voice, soft, reassuring was saying something to her, and she could feel her hand being held. Yet it was not her hand, something was different.
Slowly things became clear, she was in a room, a very white room, the face of the person cleared, and that of a nurse came into focus. Slowly she understood the words she was saying. It was all right, she was safe, and that for a moment they had almost lost her, but she was back now and safe. She tried to move her hand, but it was bandaged, and held down, the effort made her flinch. The room started to sway and the face of the nurse started to float before her eyes, as once more the darkness took her. This time though it was the restful realm of sleep, that over came her.
Where had it started? She tried to think, as she lay in the ward, slowly recovering a few days later. Her mind worked back through the tapestry of the last few days, or was it weeks or months. Like a film on rewind pictures came and went until a day several months before when the moving backwards stopped and the film started to roll forward.
She was there, and so was he. The man she had longed for, the person who was there, filling her life with a joy she had never thought was possible, her life, her soul mate. She was so happy, theirs was a marriage made in heaven, she was so happy, and every day she was so thankful that he was part of her life.
She thought. Had she missed something then? Had she been so blinded, blinkered by love to miss the signs of what was to come? She tried to think. There were times that the smile had slipped from his face, there were moments when his thoughts seemed to have been far away. What had he been thinking about? She put it down to pressure of work. Something in her even thought it could be another woman! She had laughed at that. "As if" she had said to herself. The truth though she now knew.
The pictures slowly moved on, days came and went, and now she could see the change that came over him, the look of worry that crossed his face, several days he went away without telling her where he was going. Then one night he did not come home, calling her, telling her he had been sent on a business trip, now she knew different.
The film stopped and the horror of the picture faded as sleeps wings wrapped round her, numbing her to the last picture that had filled her mind.
She woke, sweat covered her body, and pain filled her mind. She must go on, she thought, she had to fight to get through it, to battle through these last pictures, that up to now her mind seemed unable to cope with.
Slowly she went back and once again the film began to roll, this time she noticed other things. The look of pain that flicked across his face, the times she caught him looking at her with what she swore was a tear in his eye.
Then one day she came home, and he was not there, she thought nothing of it to start with but as the hours went passed she began to worry. Then that sound, that still sent chills down her spine, and fresh tears to her eyes. The sound of the phone had made her jump, she rushed to it expecting to here his voice, telling her he was on his way. Instead it had been the voice of a woman, a voice and a message that sent her rushing from the house, tears streaming down her face. How she drove she would never know, as the rain on the car windows matched that of the tears that filled her eyes. She parked the car and jumped out rushing towards the entrance, where was he, she had received a call, he was here , where was he?
She was lead into a room, and he was there, she let out a cry as she remembered how he looked.
He tried to smile as he saw her, and reached up to have her grasp his hand, love filled his eyes, and he forced out the words to tell her how much he loved her, each one being an effort. As if now at peace, and still holding her hand his eyes closed, this for the last time. As she held his hand she felt it turn slowly cold in hers, slowly she bent and kissed him.
After when the crying had stopped, when his body had been taken from her, when her heart had stopped breaking she had been told by the doctors exactly what had happened. How he had been ill for a long-time, gradually getting worse. How he would not let them tell her, and the effort he had made to keep his illness from her, even to the time he had to stay in hospital for a night. They then gave her a letter he had written.
She went out into the now sunlight, and without knowing where she was going found herself in a park they had shared many happy moments together in.
She sat on the still damp grass and opened the letter, her eyes read words that she never knew could exist, has he pored his heart out to her, telling her in words he never knew could exist. Painting a picture of his love for her, telling her over and over again how much she meant to him. He told her of his plans, for her, how he had taken steps to make sure she would be all right. He begged her to forgive him for leaving her this way. The words seemed to run into each other, as did the days after that. She did not know what or how things took place, but they did. The funeral, the insurance, the house everything he had taken care off.
From that day onwards she died, each day was filled with pain, with longing. She was losing the battle.
She just could not live without him, could not face the lonely days and the so lonely nights, she could not exist. Then one day she decided that was enough, if she could not be with him here then there was nothing left to keep her on this earth, the battle was lost.
It was all in slow motion, she took pills, and then with tears in her eyes, cut her wrists and sat watching as the life blood seeped from her body. That was the last thing she could remember until waking in the hospital.
She held up bandaged wrists, she now knew the face of the person who had lead her towards the light, it was her man as he looked on the day they had met. She knew what he was trying to tell her. That she must be able to face what life would throw at her, and that he would be there with her always. She would fight she thought, for them both, she would fight for their love.
She looked once more at her bandaged wrists.
She would ware her battle scars with pride.
© Barry Eva 2000-2006
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